You just made me feel so damn special
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
