no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
