We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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