I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
