This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
