u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
