I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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