Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
