I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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