I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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