Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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