I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize