he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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