I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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