So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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