im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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