If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
