I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
