No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
