then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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