Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
