Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Let's get the cat blown out
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
