I haven't been this sober since birth.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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