I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
