You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
