Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
