I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
