I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
