can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
smell my finger.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
