life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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