life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have demons in me.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
