so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize
