saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
