There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
