walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize