I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
