In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
