I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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