I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
