Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I can't put those talents on a resume
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
