Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
