How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
