I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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