i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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