Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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