im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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