Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
