The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
