It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
