do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
