My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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