you guys were way drunker than both of me
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
