...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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