I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
