The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
