she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
