just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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