I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize