took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize