I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
