she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
