I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
