Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
