so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
