____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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